Hurt
by joudama
Summary: A little stream-of-consciousness songfic that happened when I listened to NIN right after watching YnM. Dumb, man, dumb.


Hurt  


by joudama  
  
Author's notes:   
Like _Kiss_ [formerly _What Would Happen_], this is a songfic. And also like _Kiss_ , this is not even vaguely linear. None of the songfic in this series (_Kono sekai wa ugokidasu_--_The world begins to move_. Heretofore abbreviated as "_Ugokidasu_") will be even vaguely linear. Why? Because songs, for me, are rarely about linear thinking. Songs and music are about feeling and going where the feelings lead you. One verse or word sparks a memory or a thought,and it can be something completely irrelevant to the rest of everything. (*g* And yes, I do listen to a lot of Tori Amos; how'd you guess?) So anyway. This are all more stream-of-consciousness from the character's perspective, and they all take place at completely different times. I guess you have to know the show fairly well to figure out what's happening when--some is before the show, some during, so good luck, yo. Once more, for the record--_this is not linear, not even _kinda_, not even _vaguely_, not even in the _vicinity. Hell, it even changes character perspective with no warning (at least, no warning here; on the version on my site, the justification and color changes.)  
_Hurt_ came to me because I was really stupid. I listened to NIN right after watching the "Shit on a Ship" arc (aka "The King of Swords". And so you know, the Kyoto Arc has been nicknamed "The Pooch-Screw". Yell at Hth for that.) So I heard "Hurt" right aftter watching Hisoka stab himself in the hand.  
That was dumb, man. That was really fuckin' dumb.  
This series, BTW, is about the relationships that move the show, hence the title. The whole line from the song I stole the title from is "_sonna shunkan ni kono sekai wa ugokidasu_"--"_And in a moment like that, the world begins to move_ ." _Kiss_ was Muraki and Tsuzuki [and damned if I haven't lived in Japan too long; I started to say "_Kiss_ **wa** Muraki..."]. _Hurt_ is Hisoka and Tsuzuki. The fic will all take two forms--either a two-character...well, not dialogue, but two characters' perspectives; the others will be one character's thoughts to others--Hisoka to his parents, Muraki to Saki. Funnage like that. Stuff I touched on in this fic will be much more fully explored in some of the later fic. Whee!  
And God, it's good to be writing again. I'm afraid I've gotten a bit rusty (it's been five months, after all) but I should start getting back up to par soon. *crosses fingers* Anyway, I know I don't have a good grip on Hisoka's voice yet, but I feel like I finally got Tsuzuki down. So maybe by the next fic, I'll have Hisoka better... *crosses fingers again*   
_(...And yes, it _is_ supposed to do that at the end.)_  
  
***  
_i hurt myself today  
to see if i still feel  
_  
It doesn't hurt. To hurt myself, I mean. Well, not much. I've had worse pain. It's not like it felt great here, but...well, it didn't feel like much of anything, to be blunt. I had expected it to hurt. I did. I think maybe I even wanted it to. But no. Nothing. Nothing at all.  
I guess that should tell me something. I just don't know what yet.  
Eh, who cares.  
  
_i focus on the pain  
the only thing that's real  
_  
But I feel you, Tsuzuki. I feel your pain. I feel your pain, and your rage, and all of it, when you touch me; more real than anything I feel, and it's...overwhelming sometimes. When you touch me...I feel...so many things that *I* just can't feel. Things and emotions you just can't control. All I have in me is just...anger. A lot of anger. I hate Muraki. It's like...it's like it's all I can feel. Muraki, and you.  
I hate this.  
  
_the needle tears a hole  
the old familiar sting  
try to kill it all away  
but i remember everything  
_  
For years, it seemed like nothing was real except for the constant, _irritating_, pain of the needle in my arm, from the IV. The IV was real, the IV was *too* real. It was there. It made me know that this was not a dream. That I was really in the hospital, that I was dying. It was the constant splinter my body tried to work out, but never could.  
Do you know what an IV is really like? If you move wrong, the needle slips just a tiny bit, and you feel it. As soon as you get used to it--well, as close as you can--you move, and bang, you've got to start getting used to it all over again. And it really hurts. It does. It feels like a bruise with a splinter right in the center of it, and when you move, the splinter rips something open again and it's a fresh bruise all over again.  
  
Shift, and there's the needle.  
Needle.  
A sharp, sudden pain followed by reality slapping into me. Again.  
Needle.  
  
It was the physical splinter to the mental one, the one that keep constantly shifting wrong, that the slighest mental touch in the wrong direction makes it hurt all over again.  
  
Shift, and there it is--something did this to me.  
Some_one_ did this to me.  
I'm lying here, waiting to die. I'm really going to die because someone did this to me.  
Someone did this to me.  
  
And it pissed me off. It pissed me off because..._damn_ it all. Because it makes me want to cry and I don't do that, I never have and never will, even my parents never made me cry and...and I won't; I fucking _won't_, and all I could think about was that I would find the bastard, I would find whoever did this to me, somehow, somewhere, and I would make them pay.  
And I would find out _why_.  
  
for years, it seemed like there was nothing but the doctor. poking and prodding me just when i'd finally gotten so numb. everything was nothing, just waiting...waiting...the prick from the needle and watching the butterflies outside my window flutter flutter flutter nothing but the butterflies and the doctors and the waiting and the needle and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting and the butterflies and flutter flutter free and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting and the needle and  
  
_what have i become?  
my sweetest friend  
_  
You're human, Tsuzuki. You're human. You're more human than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. You're more human than me, not that *that's* very hard. But you actually care about every person you meet. You care. You are human, Tsuzuki. You're so human that thinking you aren't is killing you. Human, Tsuzuki, you're human.  
But I don't know what I am. i don't know what i feel, i only know i can feel some of it, some of that compassion that makes you so fucking human....i can only feel it when i'm with you, Tsuzuki. I can touch it and i can feel it, and it's overwhelming and it's...it makes me want to protect you, i want to keep you safe from everything, i want to protect everything in the world and...  
Ugh! Is this how you feel all the time?  
My god, how do you stand it?  
  
_everyone i know  
goes away in the end  
_  
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry someone please forgive me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry   
  
_you can have it all  
_ _my empire of dirt  
i will let you down  
i will make you hurt  
_  
i'm waiting for you to go away. everyone does. i fuck up too bad, and they're gone. i know it's gonna happen, and i'm just waiting.  
  
_i wear my crown of shit  
on my liar's chair  
full of broken thoughts  
i can not repair  
_  
I killed her, I killed her, I killed her. Tsuzuki, what have I become? I never wanted to kill anyone! I mean....I mean, I never wanted to kill someone innocent. I never wanted, I never....her blood's on my hands; what do I do, Tsuzuki? What do I do? I'm falling apart, I just don't know what to *do*, not since I touched her, not since her emotions overwhemed me--she's a part of me now and I killed her, don't you get it, Tsuzuki?, I _killed_--oh god, god, god, god, god, how do face this when I've never felt anything like this? Please, please touch me, please show me how to deal with it, I need to touch you, I need to know, need to feel _someone_, need some kind of contact, I--you're touching...touching me, i can feel you now, i can feel...crying, i'm crying, i'm crying, you're letting me cry. you know about grief, i can feel it, you're letting me cry, letting me touch this. thank you, thank you, thank you don't let go of me now, i'll break into a million pieces if i have to face this on my own, because i can't right now, i can't, i can't, oh, god, i killed her...i...help me, please, tsuzuki, help me...   
  
_beneath the stain of time  
the feeling disappears  
you are someone else  
i am still right here  
_  
I hate anyone touching me. I hated it even before I met Muraki. I hated it because when someone else touched me, I felt their emotions. I felt them anyway, but when people touched me...that was when I _knew_, you know? That was when I knew that I didn't feel anything at all. I thought I did, but it was nothing but a pale, pathetic imitation of what "other" people felt, plus suddenly I had the overwhelming depth of emotion that I had no ability to cope withat all. It seemed like the only time I could understand emotions at all was when someone touched me. Because when they touched me, I felt what they felt, and I knew what it all meant. I could understand it and I could analyize it, and then I could try and pretend that maybe I felt the same kinds of things.  
I didn't have my own emotions. Just shadows of other people's. Shadows of disgust at myself because my family was so disgusted by me. Shadows of hatred and evil from Muraki.  
And from you, Tsuzuki? I felt that rage, that anger. And there's something else, isn't there? There's something else, that if I touch...if I touch it, I won't be the same, will i? i won't be me anymore, i'll be something else, something like you.  
So don't touch me again, Tsuzuki. Don't touch me.  
  
_what have i become?  
_  
Now I'm a shinigami. A God of Death.  
I'm no longer human. I'm something outside of human. The Other.  
For once, that feeling is finally right. I can say that I'm not human, and have it really be the truth, and not just some weird feeling I pick up from everyone. Now that unease makes perfect sense and is completely valid.  
Because I'm not human.  
  
one day, i got to die.   
  
_my sweetest friend  
_  
I have become Death.  
now maybe i can make all of it right.  
  
_everyone i know  
goes away in the end  
_  
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please forgive me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so very sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please forgive me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please someone i'm sorry someone please forgive me i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i can't forgive i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please i'm sorry i'm   
  
_you could have it all  
my empire of dirt  
i will let you down  
i will make you hurt  
  
_ No, Tsuzuki, no, goddamn it,I won't let you go. I won't let you, I won't let you, I won't let you. Do you hear me? No. No, no, no, and *no*. I won't be alone again! I won't--I can't--I need you, do you hear me, you idiot? I need you. I...Tsuzuki...I can't, I just can't do it alone, I can't, and I won't. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. If it's between being alone again and dying again...I won't be alone anymore, Tsuzuki. I just won't do it. I just won't. i don't want to be alone every again, i don't want it, i can't do it, i won't do it, i won't go back to not feeling this, i won't going back would be worse than death and i just _won't_.  
  
hisoka...hisoka, you're...you're not leaving? you're not going away? why aren't you going? you...you want me to stay? no one has ever...no one..i...hisoka...you used to flinch away if i touched you, and now you're...hisoka, all right, all right. i won't hurt you anymore. i won't. if i go alone, i will, so i won't. iwon't go alone. i don't think i can stay here any longer, but...if you want me to stay, i will. i won't go away. i'll stay with you. but if you want to go with me...we'll go together, ok? together.  
  
_if i could start again  
a million miles away  
i would keep myself  
i would find away  
_  
just the butterflies and the doctors and the waiting and the needle and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting and the butterflies and flutter free and i wanna and the wanting and the waiting and the wanting and the waiting and the wanting and the needle and the needle and the needle and the butterflies and the waiting and the wanting and the  
  


***  
_fin_


End file.
